By Dick Platt
Corsicana Daily Sun
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Do you ever sit back and observe our world and wonder, how come that happened or how come something is a certain way? For instance, let’s look at the controversial Theory of Evolution as put forth by Charles Darwin. The main premise is “...when members of a population die they are replaced by the progeny of parents that were better adapted to survive and reproduce in the environment in which the natural selection took place.” O.K., Charlie, here comes the burning question — if man truly evolved from monkeys, apes, and chimpanzees, how come we still have monkeys, apes, and chimpanzees? Pretty deep stuff, huh?
How in the hell come there can’t be more civility in the presidential election campaign? I hate it when my President is referred to as a foreign, liberal, communistic, Muslim who’s only goal is to ruin America. Conversely, I hate it when his honorable opponent is portrayed as an elitist, cultist, out-of-touch billionaire, who wants to destroy the middle class, Medicare, and Social Security. Civil Libertarian James Bovard pretty much summed up how I feel about our electoral process, “Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.”
Next, I would like to address the long-standing incompatibility between packages of hot dogs and packages of hot dog buns. Unless they are some kind of gourmet dogs or foot-longers, hot dogs invariably come in packages of ten. Conversely, hot dog buns are packed in quantities of eight or 12. This means the lowest common denominator between dogs and buns is either 40 or 60 — that is ridiculous! This is like buying a king-size mattress to go on a queen-size bed. I wonder how come Oscar Mayer Wieners doesn’t buy out Mrs. Baird’s Bread and settle on six, 10, or 12 for packaging both products.
Side note: Did you ever really consider what goes into making the All-American Hot Dog? Forget the pork, chicken, and turkey varieties, let’s take a look at the “all-beef” version that The Little Woman (she doesn’t like that term) insists on. They are composed of beef trimmings (ears, lips, hooves, and everything else but the “moo”), fat, flavorings, fillers, and preservatives like sodium nitrate and sodium erythorbate. This glop must be cooked in some kind of casings. Natural casings are usually the small intestines of sheep which give the dogs a firmer texture and a kind of “snap” when you bite into them. “Skinless” hot dogs are cooked in long tubes of cellulose and then removed from the tubes prior to packaging. Even though hot dogs are pre-cooked, they should be heated thoroughly before eating to avoid Listeriosis (whatever that is). How come I’ve suddenly lost my taste for hot dogs?
Here are some other “how comes” about food that have been bugging me for a while. How come sour cream has an expiration date? How come they make lemonade with artificial flavorings and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? How come a pizza can get to your house faster than a “911” ambulance? How come “buffalo wings” always seem to taste like chicken? How come the hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the bread? Speaking of bread, how come they never tell us what the best thing was before sliced bread? Still speaking of bread, how come they mark each of the slots on my electric toaster “one slice?” Just how many pieces of bread do they think I’m going to jam in each slot?
Marriage is one big “how come.” It is a fact of life that every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. Conversely, every woman I know wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical, and a considerate lover. That being said, how come the law says you can only have one wife or one husband?
There are a lot of “how comes” all over my house. How come whenever I attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table, I always mange to knock something else over? How come, no matter how tight I affix the globes on our light fixtures, there are always dead bugs in there when I have to change a bulb? How come TLW will run the vacuum cleaner a half dozen times over a string on the carpet, then reach down and pick it up, examine it, and put it back down, and run the vacuum over it again? How come I go to the refrigerator several times a day expecting something new and exotic to eat will have materialized since the last time I looked?
Many of you have asked how TLW is doing after her bout with pneumonia. I am pleased to report that she is home, doing much better, her lungs are clear, and she is only on oxygen part time. The recurring problem is I haven’t figured out how come that infernal plastic tubing is always coiled up like a booby-trap between me and the bathroom.
I’ll close with my very last “how come.” How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? Email: firstname.lastname@example.org