Corsicana —
Well, here we are, just starting out on another blistering hot Texas summer. It’s already hotter than Ben Gay on a jockstrap and we have about three more months of the same. Monday, I broke out in a serious sweat just putting my trash out — at 7 a.m.! Our only family member who seems to love the heat is Little Orphan Annie (our cat). Every evening, after din-din, she takes a sojourn into the garage and lays out on top of a car for up to an hour. When we let her back in, she flops on the carpet and pants like me after climbing a flight of stairs.
One of the things I have noted about Texans is that, when it gets hot enough outside to smoke hanging meat, they take to their smokers, gas grills, and charcoal grills (used by purists like Dennis Williams). I tend to cook everything indoors during these dog-days and use the grill during our “winters.” I can char up anything on my gas-fired stove top and grill pans. The only drawback to this operation is invariably some eensy-weensy grease spatterings will be left on the cook top and stainless steel splash-panel. This is a sore subject with The Little Woman (she hates that name) who maintains that I never clean up after myself. Mea culpa on that one.
I am not a great fan of barbeque sauces. I tend to use dry seasonings for cooking and use sauces at the end (after I have separated mine) for those folks who desire sauces on their chicken, ribs, steaks, sausages, etc. It is amazing to me how many varieties of BBQ sauces there are in addition to the Yankee versions made by Hunts, K.C. Masterpiece, Kraft, and Heinz. I looked the subject up on Mr. Computer and found some very interesting brands that had distinctive southern names to them. Here are a few of the more interesting ones followed by label comments that might be found in small print (provided by yours truly).
Jeff Foxworthy’s Original BBQ Sauce. “No matter how well-mannered your dogs are, and how much they love my sauce, don’t let ‘em eat the meat at the table. It’s more fun to throw chunks of it out in the yard and watch ‘em fight over it.”
Whole Hog Cafe #4. “This sauce is a must condiment for the well-rounded southern gourmet kitchen in addition to the big four — salt, pepper, Tabasco, and ketchup. You’re shore to be livin’ hi on the hog. AAAIIIEEEEE!!!”
Dean Jacobs’ Road Kill BBQ Sauce. “This is the perfect accouterment for every highway spatula hunter. This sauce will really perk up that armadillo or possum. Disclaimer: Not recommended fer smokin’ weasels and polecats.”
J.B.’s Fat Boy Haugwaush BBQ Sauce and Sticky Stuff BBQ Sauce. “If the taxidermist don’t want it, just BBQ it with J.B.’s Haugwaush or Sticky Stuff. Both sauces go real good with some Boone’s Farm ‘Tickled Pink.’ Ya’ll just try it and see for yoself!”
Paula Deen’s Favorite BBQ Sauce Collection. “Hey, Ya’ll! My sauces give a whole new meaning to ‘Home Style Cookin.’ My sauces are sooo sweet, and sooo delicious, and sooo down-homey, you’ll swear that I kidnapped yo mama. Ya’ll come back and see me now. Ya Hear?”
Bone Suckin’ Sauce. “We guarantee your guests will suck those baby back rib bones and chicken wing bones so white and shiny that you can string them together to make jewelry.”
Dr. Pepper Sweet & Kickin’ BBQ Sauce. “The perfect sauce for that Sunday dinner of squirrel and dumplings. Recommended side dishes are beef jerky and Moon Pies. This sauce is also excellent for cooking sushi.”
Rufus Teague’s Touch O’ Heat. “Our sauces are available in four levels of spiciness: hot; way hot; way, way hot; and LWR (liability waiver required). With the LWR we recommend you keep Keopectate and spit cup handy and your toilet paper in the freezer.”
I noted with some interest that all of the military services have their own brand of BBQ sauces. I wonder if these sauces are intended to spruce up the “Meal, Ready-to-Eat” or, as it is affectionately known, the MRE. The poor MRE has had a bad rap with many folks who have partaken of them and some of the kinder definitions are: “Meals Rejected by Everyone,” “Meals Rarely Edible,” and even “Meals Rejected by Ethiopians.” MREs have been know to cause constipation because of their low dietary fiber. In fact, in 2006, then comedian Al Franken (now a US. Senator) was on his 8th USO tour and joked to the troops in Iraq that he had eaten his fifth MRE and so far “none of them had an exit strategy.”
See ya...and may all your MREs consist of liver pate, duck a l’orange, and chocolate eclairs.
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Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. His column appears on Tuesdays. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? Email: soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com
Opinion
Bar-B-Chew Time
- Opinion
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No ifs, ands, or butts
Having hindsight in the little New Jersey resort town of Wildwood will soon be a civic offense punishable by a $25 fine.
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Bits and pieces from all over
I’m all for taking the quickest route from “Point A” to “Point B” as much as the next guy.
I guess it’s just human nature to want to get to where you are going as quickly and efficiently as you can so you can get on with your life.
There have to be some limits to that, though. -
Father’s Day dilemma
What to get my father for Father’s Day is one of those no-win situations, like nuclear war or when you’re eating something someone worked really hard to cook but it’s awful. Lie and they poison their own family. Tell the truth and you’re an insensitive jerk. You’re toast, either way.
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My Daddy, My Hero
A dad is a little girl’s first hero. I realize not everyone is fortunate enough to have a father in the picture from birth, but for those who do, he can be a giant.
I write this on Flag Day, June 14, Friday, which marks four years since my Daddy departed his earthly body and went to reside with his Savior. I miss him. Strangely, his own father, Fred. E. “Bud” Brown also passed away on this date in 1985.
Those two men were my heroes. -
It makes no sense
There are a lot of things I see or hear of every day that make no sense to me. At the top of my list is our criminal justice system. At this point, I could go into a rant about lawyers but I won’t — I’ve got too much class to tell lawyer jokes. Well, maybe just one?
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Its a ‘baby thing’
I guess every birth is as unique as the child it produces.
After having inductions at 38 weeks (with NO epidural) myself, I was unprepared for the “going into labor on your own” avenue of childbearing. (For anyone not familiar, I’m discussing grandchildren here.) -
Real world issue
Our Janet Jacobs has a story in today’s paper about the early work on the City of Corsicana 2013-14 budget, and some of the challenges they are facing in the coming year.
I feel quite certain that we all can “relate” to that — it’s a battle the working folk in this city, and hundreds of other cities across the nation, have been fighting for some time now. -
Teachable moments
A few summers ago, my wife and I had the privilege of keeping our grandchildren for a few weeks in Montana. They were 8, 10 and 11. We normally saw them for a few days two or three times a year. I felt like Santa Claus, showering them with presents at Christmas, but not part of their daily lives.
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Storm warnings
This will be the first time The Little Woman (she dislikes that name) and I will have spent an entire hurricane season here on the Gulf Coast. Predictions range from “It’s just another year in paradise” to “you may not have to wait until Christmas to have a tree in your house!”
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Stupidity starts with breakfast
There’s all sorts of stupidity out there to make fun of, but I thought I’d pull just a few samples this week for ya.
It must start, of course, with the gold-plated chocolate bacon. - More Opinion Headlines
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Obama: US Has Helped Syrian Rebels
Afghan Forces Take Afghanistan Security Lead
Raw: 100K Protesters Flood Brazilian Streets
California Cops Cruise on Stand-up Paddle Patrol
Transgender Candidate Running in NYC
Obama: NSA Secret Data Gathering 'Transparent'
Man Who Disrupted Flight Ranted About CIA
Feds: 7-Eleven Stores Exploited Immigrants
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Iran's Rowhani Urges 'Path of Moderation'
Investigators Probe Origin of Colo. Wildfire
Ex-NFL Star Chad Johnson Out of Jail
Family Tweets Say Kim Kardashian Gives Birth
