Corsicana Daily Sun, Corsicana, Texas

Opinion

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March 13, 2010

JACOBS: Call of the Wild

Animals, and people, in the news

By Janet Jacobs Corsicana Daily Sun

Corsicana — I felt bad for the woman who died at the fins of an orca a couple of weeks ago. I also understand the debate over keeping these creatures in captivity. They are very smart and very large and evidently fascinated with hair, which makes them dangerous. But until animals get equal rights, I think it comes down to whether or not the whales are treated well, and they presumably are.

I was less sorry for the woman who decided to feed a bear at the Wisconsin zoo last week. She stuck her hand in the bear’s enclosure and lost a thumb and two fingers, and parts of two other fingers. She was 47.

My thinking is that if you’re seven years old, much less 47, you should know better than to try to hand-feed a bear. Cows are vegetarians who only have bottom teeth and I’m still cautious whenever I try to feed range cubes to a cow which could theoretically show up on my plate tomorrow.

It’s unclear which bear had the finger food, and the zoo said neither of the bears would be taking that long last walk in the woods over the incident, if you know what I mean and I think you do. The local police also speculated that the woman may have had too much to drink. In my opinion, that’s an excellent argument against selling alcohol at the zoo — it makes the people juicier and slower.

In a semi-related story, the voters of Switzerland voted 70 percent to 30 percent that animals don’t need their own lawyers to represent them in court when they get hurt.

Just to clarify: The animals of Switzerland aren’t allowed to vote or to be lawyers. Although you’d have to wonder what kind of animal would become a lawyer. I’ve known some clever horses who might make good lawyers, if they could learn how to talk, of course. You know that horse, the one who sucks in a barrel of air right before you put on the saddle and then two minutes into the ride he lets it out and your saddle slides sideways until you’re on the ground and the horse is running off with the saddle hanging around his middle like udders on a cow. You’d hope he’d save his tricks for the opposition, though, not his clients. Dogs wouldn’t make good lawyers. Cats might, if they could be prodded into working.

But back to Switzerland: They apparently have the strictest rules in the world regarding caring for pets and farm animals, according to the Associated Press. Dog owners in Switzerland have to take a course, like drivers’ ed, to learn how to properly take care of their pets. I actually think that one is a good idea. Four of my six dogs were dumped them on a dirt road to starve by their former owners. If I could find those people and prosecute them, I’d hire a rabid skunk lawyer.

A Swiss lawyer (a human) said he already takes about 150 animal cases a year in Zurich, and most of his clients are dogs, cows and cats. Many of the cases involve the serious abuse of animals, some of which is very icky, and those people need to be kept away from anything live, including people.

But in one high-profile case last month, that same animal lawyer represented a dead pike when an angler took 10 minutes to haul the fish in and was accused of cruelty, according to AP. The angler — pardon the pun — got off the hook.

I’m as anti-cruelty as the next person, but being taken to trial over a fish? Imagine how proud that lawyer’s mother was.

“Yes, my baby boy, the one we sent to all those fancy law schools, represented someone’s dead fish last month,” she might have said.

“By the way, I’m moving to New Zealand.”

                          —————

Janet Jacobs is a Daily Sun staff writer. Her column appears on Sundays. She may be reached via e-mail at jacobs@corsicanadailysun.com. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? E-mail: soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com

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