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We live in wonderful times for lazy people. We not only have color TV and air conditioning, but we have Digital Video Recorders (DVRs) that will tape up to 300 mind-boggling, butt-numbing hours of color TV that we can watch in our air conditioning. This is truly the Golden Age of couch potato-hood.
Nevertheless, I have a complaint: During football season I usually miss out on “60 Minutes.”
It’s an occupational hazard that I’m a news junkie. And “60 Minutes” is great, except for Lara Logan, who’s just creepily awful.
When her lips move this is all I hear: “In a business where substance and integrity matter, I’m the exact opposite of all that.” Except it’s said in a breathy little voice with a South African accent, which somehow makes it worse.
But this is CBS, which means someone high up has something wrong with his brain. My proof is that this is also the network that remains stumped by the mystery of how long a football game lasts.
Even I know you don’t make dinner plans for 8:45 p.m. if your game starts at 6 p.m., so why doesn’t CBS?
If I were actively watching the game it wouldn’t be an issue, but I’m not the big fan other people in my family are when it comes to random football games. As it is, I trust my DVR to tape “60 Minutes” while I flit around doing other things on Sunday evenings.
In case you haven’t gotten one yet, a DVR is the modern-day equivalent of a VCR. It records shows and plays them back, but it does it automatically. You tell it what show, and the DVR will record it, even if the evil geniuses running the network move your show’s time slot from 7 p.m. Tuesday to 8:30 p.m. Friday to 1 a.m. every alternate Saturday. The DVR doesn’t care. It laughs at such petty network games.
But it is also very literal. If the network says something will start at 6 p.m., the DVR takes that to mean that show will start at 6 p.m., not at an unspecified time in the near future.
CBS, which has chosen to adopt some technology but ignore other bits of it, announced this week that it has solved the problem of the “60 Minutes” delay: They will Tweet about it. I’m not kidding. CBS is going to Tweet, e-mail, and text people when “60 Minutes” is going to be delayed — on the outside chance that there could be a time-out or the clock gets stopped during a football game. But really what are the odds of that happening?
Yippee for modern communications, because now I’ll know when my show is being delayed. The problem is that my DVR still won’t know, because it doesn’t have a Twitter, e-mail or text account.
I don’t know what my DVR would be Tweeting all day when it’s at home alone. It might complain about the having to record so much nonsense from TNT, but I suspect it would have something to do with stupid schedulers at networks.
Janet Jacobs is City Editor of the Corsicana Daily Sun. Her column appears on Sundays. She may be reached by email at firstname.lastname@example.org. Want to “Soundoff” on this column? Email: email@example.com