Everyone has a day, or days, when this sad commentary is totally appropriate. With some folks it’s problematic hair flying around, drooping down, or falling out. Some folks live with constant pain — it’s like everything on them hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work. There are lots of folks who have never learned to play golf or bridge as if they were just games. The following are some classic examples of having a bad day that I have collected:
You’re having a bad day if you never get any mail except junk mail — and it comes with postage due. This can cause many bad days and serious loneliness can result — especially around the holidays when you start getting Christmas cards addressed to “Current Resident.”
You’re having a bad day when you end up losing on “The People’s Court.” You just can’t get much lower than that. It’s like making the list of the nation’s “Ten Best Nobodies.” It they ever write your life story it will be about “The Man Who Started at the Bottom — and Stayed There!”
You’re having a bad day if you fall in love with a lovely woman who says, “I want you to be the father of my children.” Then, two weeks later, she skips town and leaves her two kids for you to look after.
You’re having a bad day when you take too many tranquilizers to keep from worrying about paying your psychiatrist’s bills. You started seeing the shrink when you were just slightly cracked — now you’re completely broke. In one way you are fortunate — you could go completely out of your mind and no one would know the difference.
You’re having a bad day if, during courtship, you held hands with The Little Woman out of love and affection — but now, after years of marriage, you’re holding her hands in self-defense. When you throw your arms around her now, it’s to keep her from swinging. When she fixes you a Bloody Mary, she uses your blood!
Ba-dum-dum. You’re right, I’m just being silly but it makes me feel good once in a while. With me, the truth is like a chubby woman’s girdle — it’s made to be stretched. I take such liberties with the truth, I could easily get a job as a weather forecaster. When I get into one of these rants, my advice is you should only believe half of what I say. You’re problem, of course, is figuring out which half. Please keep in mind that my motivation each week is to amuse my readers as well as inform them. The truth is often stranger than fiction and when that is not the case, I tend to make it scarcer than fiction.
Here’s a real-life “bad day” experience to end with. A man is busy working at his job arranging produce in the supermarket when a nice looking woman walks up to him and, after reading his name tag says, “Hello, Mr. Anderson.” Bob is a little bewildered but he shakes her hand and says, “I’m sorry but I can’t place who you are. Do you know me?”
The nice lady says, “My name is Veronica and I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” Bob’s mind whirls back to the only time he ever had a fidelity indiscretion since he became engaged to his wife some 15 years ago. He blushes and replies, “Oh, you must be that stewardess I met in Las Vegas at my bachelor party and we ended up in the hotel hot tub with a gallon of margaritas and spray cans of Ready Whip.” Then he got deadly serious and told her, “I want you to know that I have been happily and faithfully married for 14 years and I am the proud father of two kids of my own. In this case, I truly hope you will abide by the golden rule that says, ‘What happens in Las Vegas, stays in Las Vegas.’”
The woman looked him in the eyes and said very calmly, “No, you have it wrong Mr. Anderson, I am Veronica Jackson and I am your son’s 5th grade teacher.”
Wow, you talk about having a bad day. Old Bob Anderson just had the granddaddy of all bad days. OK, OK, I lied about this one too. When I get on a roll, I just can’t help myself.
I will leave you with this one bit of indisputable truth that host Michael Smith uses to close out “Numbers Never Lie” on ESPN.
“Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights will always make a left.” Think about that one.
See ya...
—————
Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist. Want to “Soundoff” on this story? Email: soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com
Opinion
Related Photos
-
Dick Platt is a Daily Sun columnist.
Discussion
Having a bad day
- Opinion
-
-
Memorial Day thoughts
Next Monday we will fly our flag outside our house to honor Memorial Day. It is a tradition my wife brought into our marriage from her father who served in the Pacific during World War II.
-
I am so cynical
Cynical: “...believing that people are motivated in all their actions only by selfishness; denying the sincerity of people’s motives and actions, or the value of living...sarcastic, sneering, etc...pessimistic implies an attitude, often habitual, of expecting the worst to happen...”
-
Dumb people in the news
In the news this week was an on-line press release from the Department of Environmental Protection for the state of Pennsylvania that they’ve lost a nuclear device off the back of a truck somewhere between Pennsylvania and West Virginia. The Troxler Model 3430 is a radioactive gauge that takes measurements in the ground. The press release from the DEP states that anyone finding the box should not “tamper” with it.
-
Editorial: Seizure of AP phone records insult to independent press
Distrust of government secrecy has been elevated to an exceptional level with the disclosure the Justice Department covertly examined two months of Associated Press phone records to determine who leaked details to the AP about a foiled terrorist plot.
This amounts to spying on an American news organization — common practice in dictatorships but scary conduct in a democratic system that prizes the public value of an independent watchdog press. -
Flying the “Delta Connector”
I had an unfortunate fall earlier this week and wrecked my back to the point where I cannot spend much time sitting up at my desk to write. Therefore, I am recycling a piece I wrote many years ago about our first trip from Corsicana back to Denver.
-
It's my job
A couple of weeks ago, some chowderheads released a study saying that the worst job in America is that of newspaper reporters because of the low pay, long, odd hours and stress.
Number two on the list was lumberjack, which makes sense because trees kill.
-
Message from the Mayor: Safety first
The tragic incident that recently occurred in West serves as a stark reminder that disasters can occur at any time or place.
-
Angels among us
The winds have dispersed the mushroom cloud that hovered over the small town of West. The dust has settled. The President of the United States, the Governor of Texas and other dignitaries have come to join in the memorial for those who lost their lives.
-
Missing the fun
Sad to say, in the 11 years The Little Woman (don’t call me that!) and I lived in Navarro County, we never attended the annual Derrick Days festivities. We followed all the events in the Daily Sun, but we never schlepped into town to “walk amongst em.” I guess, if I were to be honest with myself, I am the reason we never went.
-
Need a job? Leave the cat at home
The USA Today has printed an article this past week of advice to newly minted college graduates on how to get a job which basically boiled down to “don’t be stupid.”
This is excellent advice for any situation, but particularly that crucial job interview. - More Opinion Headlines
-
Officials: Tsarnaev Friend Linked to Slaying
Obama:Sexual Assault Threatens Trust in Military
Bridge Collapse Survivor: 'Rough Day'
Jersey Shore Open for Business
Raw: Memorial Day Flags Placed at Arlington
New Wheelchair Lift Promises More Access
First Person: Mom Discusses Famous Tornado Photo
Raw Video: Washington State Bridge Collapse
Boy Scouts Approve Plan to Accept Gay Boys
Officials: Truck Hit Bridge Before Collapse
Sheriff: No Sign Killing of 2 Kids Was Planned
Obama Defends Drone Strikes, With Limits
Raw: Jurors Deadlock on Jodi Arias Penalty
Boy Scouts Decision "First Step" Say Activists
Raw: Utah Teen Arrested in Death of His Brothers
Closer Look at Okla. School Where Children Died
Two Suspects in Murder Known to London Police
"Be Ready": NOAA Warns of Busy Hurricane Season
SeaWorld: Penguins Are Coolest Thing in Florida
