By Ron Morgan
Corsicana Daily Sun
I just discovered that the end of the world will be the fault of the NFL. I know. I know, it’s hard to believe, but it’s a fact.
Environmental scientists have discovered that it’s not the number of people on the earth that are the threat. It’s the total poundage of all those people. You see, these scientists have calculated that the world is 17 million pounds overweight.
They didn’t say, but my guess is that if we get much heavier, the world will simply fall out of orbit.
I put most of the blame on the NFL. Can you remember when William Perry was given the nickname “Refrigerator?” He was the first NFL lineman that I can remember who topped 300 lbs. That was enormous at the time.
Back in the day, huge NFL linemen were in the 250- to 270-pound range. Today, a 250 pounder might well be a quarterback and 270 pounds gets you drafted as a linebacker (where they can beef you up). Just check out Ben Worthlessburger and Brandon Jacobs.
About three years ago, I met Larry Cole. Larry was a Dallas defensive tackle out of the University of Hawaii, and he was a good one. If you check a roster from his playing days, you’ll find that he was 6-4 and 245 pounds, or about Troy Aikman’s size.
A 300-pound offensive lineman today is undersized. They’re apt to be manhandled by defensive linemen.
It’s bad enough that the NFL has contributed so much to the 17 million lb. overage, but it goes deeper than that. With pro football players so supersized, it makes the rest of us feel normal when we hit the scales. What was once overweight for us civilians is now considered normal up against the gargantuan football players.
At first, I thought that Mayor Bloomberg of NYC was just falling into that “Nanny State” of mind with the banning of soft drinks over 16 ounces.
Then to find that he was going to extend the ban to buttered popcorn and milk shakes really had me shaking my head. When I found out just how much the world was overweight, I realized that he wasn’t trying to control individual’s lives. He was simply trying to save the world.
What I can’t quite get my head around is the fact that so many of the people who want to control what we eat and drink also want to legalize marijuana.
Isn’t that just a little contradictory?
Because, isn’t it a fact that the more people smoke marijuana, the more Ding Dongs and Oreo cookies they’re going to consume? The more Ding Dongs and Oreos we eat, the more obesity we’ll have. That’s like the kettle calling pot black or something like that. Whatever it is, pot could end the world as we know it.
It’s not just Mayor Bloomberg trying to save the world. The city of San Francisco is doing its part. The Americas Cup is scheduled to be sailed in the San Francisco Bay.
In answer to an environmental lawsuit, the city is spending $150,000 to find out if racing sailboats will scare the birds.
A spokesman for the environmental group said that the boats could startle the birds causing them to expend energy and that in turn could harm their health.
That just goes to show how dumb I am. I thought any form of transportation that doesn’t use fossil fuels would be good for the earth. Gas or diesel powered boats must be better because the birds can hear them coming. Just wait until the environmentalists find out what those windmills are doing to the birds.
But, wait ... If there are fewer birds wouldn’t that solve some of the overweight problems of the world and keep us from falling? Birds are so little. Maybe they need to race the sailboats through the elephants and hippos. They really contribute to the world’s overweight problem.
Boy, saving the world can sure get complicated. The linemen and elephants could kill us all.