The International Olympic Committee is constantly reevaluating the events included in the Olympics. You have to wonder where they get some of the ideas they have.
Most people know about the decathlon. That is composed of 10 events that test a participant’s abilities in a series of track and field events. They are all related events and make a certain amount of sense.
Now, I’m not sure I’d want to win the gold in the decathlon. Just look what it did to Bruce Jenner. He went from national icon to a Jerry Jones look-alike playing a bit part in a reality series.
How much do you know about the pentathlon?
Where deca is the Latin prefix meaning ten, penta is the Latin prefix for five. That’s right. The pentathlon is an event made up of five events. Having a Latin prefix is about the only common thread between the two events. The pentathlon is made up of pistol shooting, fencing, swimming, show jumping and a cross country run. Unless you’re auditioning to play the part of Zorro in a new movie, it’s hard to see the relationship between the events.
You have to wonder where some of the other events got started. What little girl gets up one morning and says, “Mom, I want to play with a hula hoop, a rubber ball and a long ribbon all set to opera music in the Olympics.” Whoever decided that it would be cool to find another guy to get on a diving platform and do identical dives simultaneously? And, turning flips on a BMX bike? Are you kidding me? Where does that leave skate boarders?
What is being proposed isn’t much better. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell thinks that he has everything in place to include football in the Olympics. So, the U.S. team would play….Canada? ho else has football players? We’d send a team to play Nicaragua or Uganda? Sure, they used to have the NFL Europe, but those were American players going across the Atlantic to play.
They plan on including 3-on-3 basketball in the next games. Will it be “make it-take it?” Will winners stay and losers go to the end of the line? If we put Lebron, D-Wade and Chris Paul on the court, do they think Uzbekistan can top that?
What’s next, H-O-R-S-E, pitching washers, Flies and Skinners, team crocheting? From 1896 to around 1920 they had tug-of-war. Could that make a comeback? That would make for some great TV.
Since they have a five event program in the pentathlon, I thought maybe they could come up with a six-event program, but that could be problematic with the Latin prefixes. That would make it a sextathlon. I’m afraid Bob Belcher might think pole dancing would be one of the events.
So, to be safe I’m recommending an octathlon, or eight events. 205 countries participated in the games. 85 countries had someone win at least one medal. That means that 120 countries went home empty handed. Those are the countries that the octathlon will be aimed at.
It will start with the buggy push. Forget fast walking. That is just plain goofy looking. This walk will be behind a grocery buggy while managing a list of groceries. Buggy pushing will be followed by watermelon carving, coffee making without K cups and microwaving oatmeal.
On day two, the competition gets pretty grueling. The day will open up with programming a DVR so that when there is a conflict between “The Bachelor” and “Swamp People”, “Swamp People” will be the show that records (that winner will get an all-expense paid trip to my house). DVR programming will be followed by removing all songs by Abba from an I Pod which will directly precede finding the Cowboys’ website (a trick task since the Cowboys don’t have one. They simply can’t string three W’s together.) Then they will sprint to the finish line by scanning Day One’s buggy of groceries at a self-service line without having an attendant come over to reboot the register.
It may not be the perfect event, but with a difficulty factor of 1.3, I’m guessing it draws a 28.63. Now, where did I put my washers?
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