Corsicana — This weekend is the Byron Nelson classic, and next weekend features the Colonial Invitational in Fort Worth at Hogan’s Alley, or Colonial Country Club. Having these events around get my mind on golf. Okay, my mind was already on golf, but it really accentuates those thoughts.

The winner of each event will pick up a check for somewhere around $1.2 million.  Descending on the DFW area over the next ten days will be the likes of Phil Mickelson, Keegan Bradley, Louis Oosthuizen, Adam Scott, Padraig Harrington and a host of other golfers. I can tell you that none of those guys live in a double wide or drive a 1992 F-150. Among golfers, these guys are truly part of the 1%.

Now, I’m a hacking dog and always have been. Among my major claims to fame on the golf course include winning the third flight of the club championship at the CCC at age 34. Who came in second? I can’t remember exactly, but I do remember that he was just north of 80.

My only other claims to fame there include Dick Gibbs mentioning in the Daily Sun when I took a 15 on number 15 in the Club Championship (He wondered if I thought there was a special prize for matching strokes to the hole number. I assured him that was only true on hole number one).  And, finally, I figure that I’m the only golfer in the long and storied history of the Corsicana Country Club to go out of bounds from the tee on hole number five. I’m sure that those of you familiar with the course and the fifth hole are saying that it’s impossible to go out of bounds on that hole, but believe me it is possible. I’m both the record holder and the witness to that feat.

That puts me squarely among the 99%. Now, I do realize that I could have been a better golfer.  I could have spent more time practicing. It was Ben Hogan who once said that the secret to good golf was in the dirt. In other words, you have to get out there and work at it. I was more into the social aspects of the game. However, that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t enjoy some of the same benefits that the PGA pros do.

I mean, just because they’ve spent more time on lessons, practicing for hours on end, studying the game and its practitioners, getting the proper equipment and dedicating their lives to golf doesn’t mean that they should get more out of it than I do.

My views have “evolved” on this issue. Is it “fair” that they should enjoy the fruits of their labor while I have to buy a ticket just to watch them play? Aren’t  club memberships, new clubs, nice golf shoes and at least one pair of loud pants basic human rights?

Now days I’m forced to play public golf courses often stooping to using discount coupons.   Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve been known to play golf balls that I fished out of the lake. I know; I know. Where’s my dignity? I’ll tell you where. The 1% stole it.

Would Phil miss a few dozen Titleists a month? After all, Phil loses one ball every two rounds while I may lose two on one hole (Okay, sometimes three or four). Would it really hurt Tiger’s standard of living to pay country club dues for me each month?  How many trophies does Jack Nicklaus really need?  Should Warren Buffett’s secretary have a lower handicap than I do?

I was going to suggest that the other 99% of us hacking dogs occupy the Four Seasons golf course.  However, I did a little reconnaissance on the site. Someone beat me to that idea. There are already tents set up around the golf course.  Many of those occupying the tents seem to be on some sort of mind altering liquid.  I mean, what woman in her right mind would go to a golf course in a short skirt and five inch heels?

If I can get a guaranteed federal loan, I think I’ll buy a ticket and join my comrades.  It won’t be easy. From what I gathered, they have gestapo-like agents that confiscate cell phones on the grounds. We may have to resort to using the people’s microphone.  But, we won’t be deterred. The 1% owe us. At the very least, I expect to come away with a Cadillac gimme cap, and a sleeve of Top Flites. Power to the hackers!